my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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