Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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