no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
