her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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