dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
