I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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