If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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