I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
