I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
