There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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