I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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