idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i've created a new STD.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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