Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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