So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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