I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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