I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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