Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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