Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
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I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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