I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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