This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
