Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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