either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
