I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
