So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
