so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fuck appropriateness.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
