Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
