dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
