I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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