rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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