I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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