I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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