guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
