He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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