seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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