i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
