somebody snuck up and got me drunk
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
