If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
