this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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