I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
