so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
