my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
