Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
