you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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