operation harelip BJ is a go
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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