i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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