finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
