Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
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I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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