I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
