i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
