Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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