i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
