you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
