I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
