From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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