If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
